"I had to put my father in a nursing home this week"
By William K. Summers, MD
© William K. Summers, MD
I was listening to a radio psychologist, when a caller from Brooklyn called in with a problem that resonates in my daily medical practice. The caller was an orthodox Jew. She was having guilt feelings about whether she should act as a guardian for her elderly mother, who has Alzheimer's disease and had moved to an assisted living home near her in Brooklyn. The caller revealed that there had been issues between her and her mother years ago. She worried that she might not attend to subtle matters of a guardian, such as monitoring the medical care, redressing inattentive nursing staff and the like.
What a wonderful call! The caller was honest about her concerns. It was then easier to work with her specific issues.
Most of the time I find adult children are less than honest about their attitudes toward the elderly. I have heard outrageous excuses for senior neglect and/or abuse. Here are some excuses: § "She is eighty-eight". On this basis, one family member justified not allowing their mother to receive Tylenol for osteoarthritis. Is age a reason to neglect or abuse someone? Will it soon be OK to not treat an eighty-eight year old?
- "He was a drinker". On this basis, one daughter chose not to attempt to have her father treated, but, instead, chose to send him to a nursing home. Does this excuse reflect anger at the father's self-injurious behavior?
- "They abused me". This is, to me, a flimsy reason. That was then, this is now. Second, there are degrees of abuse. By the vague modern version of "abuse", all children could charge their parents with abuse.
- "His doctor is really good". This is a polite way of saying "I do not want to bother to monitor the care of my loved one."
- "His wife died earlier this year". Because his second wife died, or your mother died is not a valid reason to shirk the possibility of participating in the care of the parent.
The radio psychologist advised her Brooklyn caller to proceed to accept the guardianshiposition. She did not go into detail. Perhaps Dr. Laura would argue that this would fulfill the Fifth Commandment, "Honor thy mother and father that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."
This bypasses the fact that in 1999, there are many available and effective treatments for dementias and the related complications of age. Memory loss can often be treated effectively. There are actually drugs more effective than Tylenol for osteoarthritis. Prevention of osteoporosis and fractures has been a topic of this column in the past.
But, an additional simple point to consider is that "everything that goes around comes around". Fully attending to the care of our parents teaches our children and spouses how we want to be treated when we become incapacitated. Often, the way you treat others is the way you in turn are treated. This is why I have a bumper sticker on my car saying, "Never....never...never...hurt a patient". Food for thought.
TO YOUR PRESENT AND FUTURE HEALTH!
This article, written by Dr. Summers, appeared in the New Mexico Senior Citizen News - Summer, 1999. The NM Senior Citizen News publishes these articles monthly. You can pick up a copy of the paper at your closest New Mexico Senior Citiz
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